


It’s okay because I love you, it’s okay even if it hurts.

by lyn7



Category: Super Junior-M
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-23
Updated: 2014-03-23
Packaged: 2018-01-16 17:24:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1355635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lyn7/pseuds/lyn7
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry it's not too angsty and not really a 'happy' ending, but still hope you enjoyed :)<br/>Thank you to my beta-reader Ana, and sorry for some parts I chose to keep my original style, but thank you for your hard work :)</p></blockquote>





	It’s okay because I love you, it’s okay even if it hurts.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [were1993](https://archiveofourown.org/users/were1993/gifts).



_ 2013\. September _

Zhou mi was a dramatically romantic person. He was always reluctant to admit it, but as his eyes locked with the handsome stranger, he swore he fell in love at first sight. The dark eyes, the slight smirk of a smile, and the messy brown hair were all Zhou mi saw for the remainder of his university life.

So when he found out his Heechul hyung’s classmate’s neighbor’s friend was childhood friends with Cho Kyuhyun, Zhou Mi was ecstatic.

“You know him?” Zhou mi gasped, his eyes widening with an impressed twinkle.

“Uh….yeah? We have lunch together in a group, sometimes? He’s nothing special,” Heechul snorted, slightly jealous that his childhood friend was so love struck with a brat like Cho Kyuhyun.

Zhou mi took Heechul’s hand, his eyes shining with hope.

“Take me!”

 

Zhou mi still remembered the first time Kyuhyun talked to him. Heechul introduced him to all of his friends, but Zhou Mi only had eyes for Kyuhyun.

“Hi, I’m Cho Kyuhyun.”

His voice was just as Zhou Mi had imagined. Deep, alluring.

Zhou Mi fell more in love.

_The clock was ticking._

_ 2013\. October _

It didn’t take long for Zhou mi to get over his shyness whenever he was with Kyuhyun.

One day he just took a deep breath, stalked boldly up to Kyuhyun and announced:

“Kyuhyun-ssi, I’m in love with you!”

Kyuhyun only gaped while their friends howled with laughter and cat called.

 

It had became a big joke, Eunhyuk and Shindong, the two troublemakers of the group made sure to always greet them with whistles and cheers whenever Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun were within close proximity of each other. Zhou mi embraced it all, grinning as he latched onto an annoyed Kyuhyun’s arm.

 

“Kui Xian,” Zhou mi flung himself onto Kyuhyun.

Kyuhyun pushed him back single handedly while spooning rice into his mouth. All without a change of expression, as if he was used to the whole ordeal.

“C’mon, give me a kiss!” Zhou mi pouted and inched closer to Kyuhyun’s face, only to find a rice ball pushed onto his face.

“Mmph!” Zhou mi caught the rice ball as Kyuhyun stood up swiftly, “Aw, are you feeding me? You’re so thoughtful Kui Xian!”

Kyuhyun rolled his eyes while the rest of the group laughed.

“Isn’t this joke getting a little old now?” Kyuhyun asked, twitching his mouth into a sarcastic smile and leaving.

Zhou mi let his face fall for a moment.

Only for a moment.

He took a bite out of the rice ball and grinned.

It was sweet.

 

- 

 

“You really do love him don’t you?” Heechul asked, his face full of worry for his ‘Seasoning’ _._

“What do you mean, hyung? I’ve always loved him, I thought it was obvious?” Zhou mi smiled happily, ignoring the pained look of Heechul’s face, and pretending he didn’t know why Heechul was looking so sympathetic.

“No! You made it obvious! So obvious that it seems like a joke, a good laugh. Everyone thinks so. Even Kyuhyun...” Heechul sighed “Mi…”

“He’ll understand my love someday!” Zhou mi said, cheerful. “I won’t give up that easily!”

“Zhou mi,” Heechul begged, desperately, “You know you’re hurting yourself. You think you can hide behind a bright smile but I see it so obviously. Please stop. Stop, before…”

 

_“Before you kill your heart” was left unsaid._

Zhou mi only shook his head softly.

 

_My heart lives because of him._

-

_ 2013\. December _

Kyuhyun was in love.

With someone else.

It was so obvious it hurt Zhou mi’s eyes.

Kyuhyun glowed with happiness. He would chuckle to himself randomly and draw doodles in his notebooks that he let no one see.

When someone asked, he would turn beet red and change the subject.

 

“I’m glad,” Zhou mi said when Heechul visited him, he had been sick in bed for two days.

“It means he understands love after all. I was scared he was heartless, but as long as he can love someone, it means I have a chance to be the person he loves, right hyung?”

Heechul glanced at him, averting his eyes from the ones that looked at him with glimmering hope.

“Right,” Heechul lied.

“I’m glad.” Zhou mi repeated quietly, lips curling into a small smile.

“Zhou mi-ah…” Heechul sighed “Aren’t you tired?”

Zhou mi opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out.

_"But this may be the last thing I do, so I want to love him with all I have."_   He wanted to say, but it would be too cruel.

For Heechul and for himself.

 

_The clock ticked on._

_ 2014\. January. _

 

It was nearing graduation, and Zhou mi knew.

Zhou mi _knew_.

But Zhou mi only let himself smile more as his heart died slowly.

 

_ 2014\. February  _

When they were all wearing their graduation caps and black robes, Zhou Mi walked up to Kyuhyun. It was the first time that Zhou Mi didn’t fling himself at Kyuhyun.

Kyuhyun smiled at him and congratulated him.

Zhou Mi couldn’t remember that last time Kyuhyun had greeted him with a smile like that, and not the usual eye roll or frustrated sigh.

 

Zhou Mi smiled back, weak, beaten.

“Kyuhyun…”

 

_Good bye, Kui Xian,_ Zhou Mi thought.

 

“Can you tell me you love me?”

_Please?_

Kyuhyun stared, then chuckled, then sighed, shaking his head with a smile.

Kyuhyun didn’t see the desperation in Zhou mi’s eyes.

He didn’t see broken heart.

He _never_ saw Zhou Mi's heart.

“Alright, I love you, bro,” Kyuhyun said, pulling him into a hug. “Stay in contact, okay? I’ll miss your jokes and all, but man does it feel good to have my arm free of anyone clutching to it.”

Zhou mi grinned his big, face-splitting smile one last time.

“Thank you,” Zhou Mi said.

Kyuhyun never saw past that disguise.

 

_ 2014\. March. _

 

“Does it hurt?” Heechul asked handing him his medication.

Zhou mi clutched his heart. His face as pale as the hospital sheets that covered him.

“It hurts. You know the day the doctor announced that I won't live over 25?" Zhou Mi asked. "It hurts more than that. It hurts more than any attack I’ve had.” Zhou mi’s smile was small and weary.

 

There was nothing left of Zhou Mi _._

“I’ve used all my energy to love someone. I have nothing left to give.”

He was satisfied. He had nothing to regret.

 

His love had burned so passionately, like a roaring fire.

No matter how many times cold water was splashed over it,

it burned and burned.

Until there was nothing left to burn.

It withered away until there were only ashes left,

And the wind blew the ashes away so mercilessly.

 

Then Zhou Mi had nothing left. Just like how he came to this world with nothing, he would leave with nothing.

 

“You’ll get better Seasoning," Heechul said, choking on his words. "You-you’ll live happy and well, and you’ll meet someone who loves you and who you love back, and you'll live happily ever after.…” Heechul choked on his own words, trying to hold back his tears. Kim Heechul, who was always so proud and mighty, but with Zhou mi he was always

worrying, always silently pleading.

_Please stay healthy._

_Please don’t let yourself be sad._

_Please live._

_Please don’t die._

Zhou mi shook his head and reached out weakly to pat Heechul’s hand. “I’m sorry Heechul hyung, don’t be sad,” Zhou Mi said.

Heechul broke into sobs.

 

_-_

_ 2014\. May _

Zhou mi didn’t have a funeral. His parents along with Heechul scattered his ashes into the ocean like Zhou Mi had told them to do.

 

Days passed, months, years, and they lived on without him. When his wide smile and bright laugh passed through their minds from time to time, they would smile at the happy memories that Zhou Mi left them.

 

-

_ 2020\. May. _

Years later, at a reunion, Kyuhyun greeted Heechul with a wide smile and a wedding ring on his finger.

 

“Oh, yeah! Now that Kyuhyun’s here, where’s Zhou mi?” Eunhyuk asked jokingly and elbowed Kyuhyun with a wink. Kyuhyun only laugh loudly.

 

“You guys still remember that? Man…” Kyuhyun paused for a moment and shook his head with a smile “Good old times. But yeah, where is he?”

Kyuhyun turned to Heechul, who paused for a moment. "Zhou mi? He…”

Kyuhyun eyed Heechul curiously.

Zhou mi’s words suddenly came into Heechul’s mind. It had been one of the last times they had talked.

 

_“Even if I went back in time, I would do the same thing. I would love him with all I have, and not let him know. Let him think it was all a joke so he wouldn’t have to be burdened, so if he ever thinks about me I would just be the guy who likes to play jokes on him. If he remembers me as that person, I’ll be happy.”_

 

Heechul looked away from Kyuhyun’s gaze. He knew what Zhou mi would have wanted him to say.

No one noticed Heechul clench his glass tighter as he took a sip. “He went back to China after graduation,. Married. He has children now. I don’t think he even remembers who you are Kyuhyun.” Heechul lied, joining in as the others broke out into laughter.

 

_‘Seasoning, I did well right?..’_

 

-

_  
Hello, I’m Zhou mi._ _Many years had passed since I got here, somewhere in between now and then, I stopped keeping record of the date._

_When the sharp pain of my last attack suddenly stopped, everything went black. When I opened my eyes again, I was in Heaven._

_I have been here ever since._

_At least that’s where I think I am. I tried asking once._

_"Am I in Heaven?" I asked the man dressed in white, who had white hair and a white beard._

_He only smiled at me and patted my head “If that is what you like to call this place then, yes.”_

_He was always cryptic, a man of few words. So I stopped asking questions. I just assume I'm in Heaven because from here, I can see Cho Kyuhyun every day. That's enough for it to be Heaven for me._

_Surprisingly, even for myself, I didn’t take long to accept the fact that I was dead, maybe it was because of the fact that I’ve always grown up knowing that my weak heart wouldn’t allow me to live long._

_I can see everything in the world clearly from here. Sometimes I look at Heechul hyung, or my parents._

_When they cried for me I wanted to hold them, to tell them I’m well now. I wanted to tell them not to worry, but I couldn’t. As time passed, they started smiling again, and I’m happy too._

_I look at Kyuhyun every day from here, even until now._

_It was September on Earth, it had been a year since I met Kyuhyun._

_I had always wanted to know who Kyuhyun was in love with. Back on earth, he never let anyone near his notebook. But up here, I can see it clearly._

_The name that was written over and over again on his precious notebook:_

Hae Jin.

_I raided my memory for that name, then it suddenly hit me._

_Yoon Hae Jin. She was one of the most popular girls at our university, good looks, good grades, good personality, but not ambitious. She was humble, gentle. Perfect._

_Of course, only someone like that should stand next to Kyuhyun._

_So I started to interfere, even though I was told we weren’t meant to._

_“Right now you are merely a soul. Souls don’t interfere. They have to power to- if they stay here, but mostly they stay here for a while and move on into their next life," the old man told me solemnly.  "When you start interfering, you are bound here by your own desires. If souls desire to live again, they do. But when they desire something other than that, they can never start anew.”_

_But that’s okay, I don’t want another life if it means having to forget Kyuhyun._

_I want to see him live happily. Even if I’m not by his side, if I can watch him live well from all the way up here then I’m happy._

_So I interfered._

_It had already been 6 months after graduation, Kyuhyun had started working in a big IT company and Yoon Hae Jin opened a small café in Bucheon. They were never meant to cross paths again, but I made them._

_Kyuhyun was running an errand for his manager in Gangnam, Yoon Hae Jin was shopping in Apgujeong the day I made it rain. They took shelter side by side. She looked at the pouring rain in worry, because she was meant to be somewhere in a few minutes. Kyuhyun turned and gaped when he saw who she was. She noticed him too, and nodded her head politely with a small smile._

_When I saw them I thought_ damn it, Cho Kyuhyun. Say something. Where’s your irritating wit that you used to reject me with?

_I groaned in frustration when she ran off with her bag over her head. Kyuhyun hit himself with his brief case._

_I sighed. But he didn’t need to worry. He would see her again. Two weeks later I made it rain again. In watched as Kyuhyun ran into her café, soaking wet but adorably dumbstruck when he looked up to see her. She let out a little laugh as she handed him a towel and a hot drink._

_“It’s you again Cho Kyuhyun-ssi," she said. "What a coincidence.”_

_I smirked at the word ‘coincidence’._

_Kyuhyun gaped “Y-you remember me?”_

_She let out that cute laugh again with her smiling eyes “I do.”_

_I was happy for Kyuhyun when he finally found his tongue and struck up a conversation with her._

_Two months later, it was December._

_I made shooting stars for them and watched Kyuhyun confess to her nervously._

_I hadn't thought that my heart could still hurt even after I died, but it did._

_But that’s okay, I told myself, as I watched Kyuhyun grinning foolishly, as they held hands._

_Three years later, Kyuhyun asked her to marry him._

_“Remember the rain that made us re-encounter?" She asked cheekily. "I’ll say yes if it starts to rain now.”_

_He pouted in disappointment. I made it rain without hesitation._

Because it’s for Cho Kyuhyun.

_They gaped as the rain started pouring down on them, and I watched as Kyuhyun yelped in happiness and shouted at the sky._

_“Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you." Kyuhyun laughed (?), lifting her and spinning her around. She laughed, and when he put her on the ground, she slipped the ring onto her finger._

_“I do,” she whispered, their foreheads pressed together._

_I watched them kiss even though it hurt._

_I knew even if it didn’t rain, she would have said yes anyway._

_She was the one for him._

_I felt happy_ _because he was happy. Even if it hurt._

 

_I watched their wedding, smiling as he faced her nervously and said his vows._

_“Hae Jin, I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve you. I never imagined that I will run into you again after graduation, I thought someone as perfect as you will only pass by me like a dream…but…it seemed like someone secretly pulled the strings of fate and led me to you.” He chuckled with embarrassment “And it seems like that person must have been watching over us ever since, because here I am now, the luckiest man in the world, marrying the most beautiful, kind, perfect woman in the world.…and whoever that person is- if they exist, I want to thank them with all my heart.”_

_The bride broke into little sobs and he kissed her._

_I never let myself stop smiling._

 

_-_

_I watched the university reunion a few years later._

_I watched as Heechul hyung said, "Zhou Mi? He went back to Chine after graduation. He's married and has children now. I don’t think he even remembers who you are."_

_I smiled as the tears I had been holding in for what seemed like forever finally ran down my face._

_Thank you Heechul hyung, for remembering. You did well._

 

And Cho Kyuhyun, I’ve told you before right?

I love you.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry it's not too angsty and not really a 'happy' ending, but still hope you enjoyed :)  
> Thank you to my beta-reader Ana, and sorry for some parts I chose to keep my original style, but thank you for your hard work :)


End file.
